Author vs Character
by Charge the Cat
Summary: Title pending. COME ONE YE ALL, AND WITNESS THE HUMILIATION OF YOUR FAVOURITE CHARACTER AT YOU OWN HANDS! Check profile for poll, and PM if you wanna help contribute! ;P
1. Chapter 1

_**Authors vs. Characters **_

_**Chapter Numero Uno: CtC vs. Sonic!**_

**I AM BACK! :D Is this a great day for FF or what?**

**Anyways, this is a new thing I'm trying, a collection of character-author interaction oneshots of around 1000 words. Think of it as a way to poke fun at every single Sonic character here, and let out some steam in the process.**

**So yeah… First up, you know him, like or not you buy his games in the droves, it's SONIC!**

**Sonic (bound and gagged to chair): MMMMFFFFF!**

**Nice of you to agree to this StH. Anyways, on with the show!**

Today truly was beautiful. That much could be deduced.

Sonic inhaled and exhaled the clean fresh air joyfully as he ran. The sky was a robin's egg blue, the grass greener than the Master Emerald; a perfect day for running, in Sonic's opinion.

Mind you, his opinion on most things either resorted to trashing it or saving it, depending on the situation.

Red shoes hit the earth rhythmically: one two one two one two one two. Peach arms pumped his body along. Sonic didn't care where he was going; all he cared about was chasing the horizon. An impossible task to those who contemplated it and took into consideration all the distances and geography and such, and anyone with half a brain would deduce it as insanity.

But as we know, Sonic tends to run on less than a quarter of a cranium, if ever.

Not that he cared. Eggman was lying low, surprisingly. As far as Professor Pickle and Tails knew, there wasn't supposed to be another gargantuan otherworldly event for the next couple of days, though with the gods, you just can't tell. Shadow was too busy working a desk job for G.U.N lately to challenge him to a race or be duped by an imperious alien race, and Rogue was stuck as well in the cubicle grind, therefore allowing worldwide diamond retailers a breath of relief.

Heck, even Amy hadn't bothered him for the past little while, which instantly made him suspicious of a possible marriage stint. He didn't mind her chasing him; on the contrary, it provided an opportunity to practice his rapid retreats. Very rapid, mind you, this is Sonic we're talking about.

Sonic shook his head and cast an eye upwards, "Why do you always need to do that?"

"_Do what?" _came the reply in a teenaged male voice, seemingly from nowhere and everywhere at the same time.

"The whole back-story stuff," Sonic commented wryly, feet still a-pumpin', "You hate doing it as much I hate it happening."

"_Gotta give the readers somethin' to base the plot on, pincushion."_

Sonic scowled, "Didn't I already tell you to stop calling me that?"

A short pause followed,_" You do realize the story started less than 400 words ago, right?"_

"_There goes the fourth wall."_ Sonic contemplated dryly.

"_Heard that."_

Sonic was flummoxed, "Wait wha… oh." Once he got his tiny brain working on it, the reasons made sense "STOP THAT!"

"_Stop what?"_ Came the innocent reply.

"Making me look like an idiot of course!"

"_Pfft, please. To say that you even thought at all is a complement in itself."_

Sonic was slowly approaching his shorter-than Knuckles' temper. "OH WILL YOU JUST CUT THAT OUT!"

"_Fine." _Was the sulky reply.

Sonic ran on for a short while longer, eventually humming his favorite tune, "Live and Learn." However, whenever he tried to come to the chorus, a heavy punk-style guitar chorus, complemented by whiny vocals, interrupted him.

"Seriously, stoppit." Sonic growled.

"_You're just jealous that you're bound to your music contracts, and that you can't listen to good stuff."_

Sonic laughed, "You listen to good music? Next you'll be telling me the US is actually going to defeat Osama bin-Laden." For some reason, he thought he could hear a loud crash after this.

After some bumping and swearing, the triumphant reply came, _"Sum 41 trumps Crush 40."_

Sonic skidded to a stop, eyes burning, "OH NO YOU DON'T! COME OUT AND FIGHT LIKE… Uh… um… A nerd?"

His reply was a loud blast of the chorus of "No Brains". The combination of Dave Baksh's awesome guitar combined with Deryck Whibley's deep voice blasted him back a good 15 meters.

"_I hate you today, I can't find a way, don't drag me down now." _ The universal voice sang badly along.

Sonic slowly peeled himself off the grass, "Fine, you have a point. Sum 41 is the greatest band ever to exist, ever." he sighed, then paused, "Wait, what?"

"_You heard it here first kids, Sonic the Hedgehog loves Sum 41."_

"Now THAT was a new low for me." Sonic muttered under his breath, taking off again. However, in short order, a silver streak shot past him with a thunderous roar, obviously itching for a race.

"Now THIS could be fun." Sonic grinned, speeding up to his top speed, breaking the sound barrier with a thunderous clap.

He soon learned this was pointless, as the metal form just kept on getting smaller till it disappeared over the horizon.

"What in the name of Chaos was that?" he wondered aloud.

"_A Super Hornet. Top speed, Mach 1.8, able to take out 12 enemies with one trigger pull." _The voice sounded dreamy, but snapped back to reality a second later. _"wha-oh, and you may want to start stopping in 3, 2, 1…"_

"Greeeeeat, I have a fighter-freak for an author today…" groaned Sonic. He casually glanced ahead just to see what the fuss was, and instantly wished he hadn't. There, straight ahead of him, was a rolling expanse of dark blue, Sonic's old adversary. He jammed his feet hard into the ground, as a massive cloud of dust trailing behind him. His toe only stopped a few inches short of a massive cliff, dramatically knocking over a few small stones into the raging ocean below.

Sonic held his breath as he peered over, grimacing at the height and churning waters below. He took a few steps backwards and turned, relief evident on his face.

"Well, at least that's over…" he cast an eye down the text, "And it looks like this story's almost complete as well. Ah well, no more torture for me!" he cheered.

"_Nooooooootttttt quite…"_

"Wha…" Sonic suddenly paled, "No, no one person can be that cruel…."

"_Welcome to my life. Enjoy our free beverages."_

Then, the sound Sonic had come to know and detest rang out over the savannah, as several large mammals looked up in confusion…

"SONIKU!"

Sonic was rooted to the same place, and unable to control himself, screamed like a little girl.

"Wait a sec, why are we in Africa?"

"_Shut up and stop questioning author convenience."_

Before Sonic could reply, Amy latched herself onto him at speeds rivaling a missile, and over the edge they went.

" YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU CCCCCCCTTTTTTCCCCCCCC!" Sonic shouted as he and his "girlfriend" tumbled towards the raging waves.

"_Yeah! (Insert YGOTAS Kaiba's Winning quote here)"_

**I've always wanted to throw a character off a cliff. :') It's a great day to be me.**

**So yeah, I'll put a poll up on my profile with who should be fed to my imagination next. The one with the most will be the next victim… whenever that may be. :D**

**Oh, and if you want to submit your own version, just pop me a PM. Always open for suggestion peeps!**

**(leaves)**

**Sonic: (see above for current predicament): MMF! MMFF MMMFF MF?**

_**R&R!**_


	2. Chapter 2: That Gamer's Turn!

_**Author vs. Characters**_

_**Chapter Numero Duex: Tails vs. TG (That Gamer)**_

**HELLO! I wrote this for Charge and I'm basically picking on my favourite Sonic character (next to Blaze, but I'm letting someone else do THAT job).**

**So, I'm gonna try to torture Tails in under 1000 words (considering the average length of a chapter for me is 50 words, that won't be a problem).**

**Tails (bound and gagged to a chair like Sonic): MMMMFFFF!**

**Shadup! Anyways, please enjoy my work.**

Today, Tails was working on an invention. What kind of invention, you ask? Well, I have no idea what; I just wanted to start this story up like that. It's kind of weird. I mean, what kind of invention could Tails be working on... on a Friday morning? It's weird and-

"Will you STOP your pointless monologue?" Tails shouted at the fourth wall. "It's annoying!"

_"Then I guess I'll keep doing it,"_ came a male voice that kept jumping between low and high (but he seemed like he was trying hard to keep it low).

"Oh..." Tails sighed. The anonymous voice had been bothering him ever since... That morning. "Do you have anything better to do?"

_"No. Now for crack-fic humour."_

An anvil came out of nowhere and crushed the machine.

"Where the heck did that come from?" Tails exclaimed, staring at the remains of the device. But, he tried to calm down and check the blueprints over again to see if he could make it again.

Lightning came out of nowhere and the blueprints vaporized.

When the lightning struck, Tails jumped about a foot in the air. He growled a little, and left the room.

He was then pelted by a strange green substance. After a bit of snooping, he discovered, to his disquiet, that they were mints.

"OH THE CRUEL IRONY!" he screamed when he realized what was hitting him continuously. "OH THE CREUL, CREUL IRONY!"

_"Thou shall never defeat my crack humour. Thou art inferior!"_

Tails growled. He was close to cracking because he really wasn't up to it. What, you may ask? Why, all these random occurrences, of course. Duh.

_"Now for Pikachu!"_

"Who?" Tails questioned before a strange yellow mouse appeared in front of him.

The creature looked around for a short bit, and then was seemingly forced into letting out – **LIGHTNING!**

The whole room lit up with the lightning, it flowing through Tails's veins. "I HATE YOU!" Tails shouted, every word being jittery as his skeleton glowed from within.

**And that was how I came up with a lightning gun. Kind of a strange invention, eh?**

**Well, that's it. Play me off! (familiar song starts playing**

**Tails (burnt and still bound): MMFF? ERFM! (translation: Is that "Friday" by Rebecca Black? NOOO!)**

_**S'up, this be CtC callin' in. Nice to be someone else besides me uses eh in everyday life. :')**_

_**Thanks TG! C-man out! HA! (throws self sideways out of screen, loud cursing and crashes heard)**_


	3. Chapter 3: MtC's Turn!

Authors vs. Characters

Chapter Numero Tres: MtC vs. Shadow

**Charge: Er… sorry people, but CtC is currently unavailable to hoist this chapter so- (eyes widen and backs away rapidly offstage)**

**(comes rocketing in from side of stage) ACHTUNG! (crashes into opposite side, muffled swearing and banging heard before CtC reappears)**

**Ehheheheh, sorry 'bout that. (dusts self off) Man it's been a while… but y'know, I guess I'll be happy I can update at all!**

**Anyways, here's Mikaela the Cat's edition of this… interesting series. Shall we? (sweeps off invisible top hat and bows before stalking offstage, muttering about finding a (CENSORED) Tim's round here)**

_Hello readers! Isn't this a lovely day! Anyway, it's my turn to torture a Sonic Character! This is going to be so, so fun! Shadow is my favourite character, so in a chapter around 1000 words, I'm going to torture him in every possible way I can think…if you can torture the Ultimate Life-form, that is…_

_Shadow (bound and gagged to a chair): RRRRRRRRRRRHHGGG!_

_Wow, I wonder how that happened…*sweatdrops* That wasn't easy!_

Days like these were always welcome. Having the breeze blow through your quills had a calming effect. And it was working for a certain dark individual.

Shadow the Hedgehog wasn't saving the world from anything strange today. Nope. He was actually taking time to think, something he hadn't done since the defeat of Black Doom. Everything had been too darn confusing since then. One of the confusing things that were included in this category was when he went to check out Eggman's Interstellar Amusement Park. He had suspected Eggman was up to something and it lead to the whole place blowing up. Thanks to Sonic.

"You're reviewing something from my point of view that happened months ago, did you know that?" the hedgehog pointed out calmly.

"I know, and Sonic Colours just so happens to be my second favourite game, OK?" a teenaged female voice sounded from nowhere and everywhere. "Sonic and the Black Knight is my favourite, and if you argue with me anymore, I'm going to stick you in an arena with Lancelot and see if you can stand against him." The voice then cleared her throat. "Without a sword."

A shocked look crossed Shadow's face. "You wouldn't…" he gasped. But then his expression changed as his eyes narrowed and an evil grin crossed his face. "But you can't, can you? I can't see you, smell you, feel you, or hear you other than your voice."

"Oh, yes I can, Macho Hedgehog!"

"Not that name!" Shadow exclaimed before something invisible and large punched him in the chest, sending him flying dozens of meters.

"Believe me now?" the voice said, sounding smug.

Shadow pinned his ears and growled. He started to walk away, hoping that the voice would leave him alone. But it didn't, it followed him. "Just leave me alone!" he exclaimed. He took off hover skating over fields of young wheat. But he was not left alone, for the annoying voice continued to annoy him.

"Ooooohhh…! There was a hedgehog who was so paranoid that he seemed to be bugged by a voice~!" sang the voice.

Shadow looked upwards and growled. "I have to be hallucinating…" he whispered.

"I heard that!"

"MtC, leave me alone or I will seriously find where you live and fry you to a crisp!" Shadow screamed. But then he screamed for a totally different reason and it gives me pleasure to start torturing him more than verbally. What? Don't look at me like that! It's hard to torture the Ultimate Life-form! Suddenly a huge hammer swung down and crashed into where he was standing a few seconds ago. Then he had to jump to keep himself from being incinerated by a bolt of electricity that snaked across the ground in a flash.

All his training that he had to endure on the ARK kicked in as well as the training he got from GUN. If he had to dodge and run, he had to dodge and run.

He back flipped through a ring of fire and landed as the voice said, "So… do you like good music?"

"What the heck? Now you're talking about music! What next, you'll be saying that you're actually my destined wife!" Shadow screamed at the sky as he came to a halt. But then he was blasted from the side by "Must Have Done Something Right" by Relient K turned up on high.

"If anyone can make me a better person you could, All I gotta say is I must've done something good," the voice belted out, actually staying in tune with the voice of Matt Thiessen. Then she turned off the music and began saying, "Relient K is better than Julien K! Relient K is better than Julien K!"

"Fine! Relient K is better than Julien K!" Shadow screamed.

"Ah-HA!" the voice exclaimed. "You admit it, you admit it! Whooo! I cracked the Ultimate Life-form!"

Shadow pinned his ears, glad that he wasn't near any roads so no one could see him shouting at the sky. Could he spare any dignity?

"You did not crack the Ultimate Life-form!" Shadow exclaimed. "No one can!"

"No one can, eh? Well, let's see about that, Macho Hedgehog!" the voice said. There was the loud sound of the clicking of keyboard keys, and a pit opened up underneath him. He cried out, but then he hit the bottom, the air rushed out of his lungs. "Ouch…" he muttered.

He got up and looked around. But then ran up and jumped. He landed against one of the walls, then jumped off of it. But where he had jumped from, there were now spikes. If he wasn't ready, he would get speared. He landed on the opposite wall, and then jumped again, so he was soon out of the hole and was running for it. But MtC had another thing comin' for him. He stopped in a clearing so he could think out what he had to do next, but a door opened in a tree and a blonde haired girl stepped out of it. Shadow looked at her quizzically. He rubbed his eyes once, trying to figure out that what he had just seen was real or not.

The voice, or MtC, sounded smug. "Who do you think that is, Shadow?" she asked.

Shadow rubbed his eyes as the girl noticed him. The girl's face lit up, and she came running across the clearing towards him. "M-Maria?" Shadow stuttered. Was it true? Was it really her?

But when the girl collided with him, he knew she was real. "Maria!" Shadow exclaimed, overjoyed.

"Shadow!" the girl replied.

Shadow got up and thought, I'm going to get you next time, woman.

XXX

Annnnnnnd, there! Shadow has been tortured to the best of my ability! I hoped you liked it!

Shadow (still gagged and bound to a chair and now covered by lipstick lips): MHHHHHRG!

Suddenly, Shadow disappears from his bonds in a flash of light and appears behind me holding what looks to be a water pistol. But I know it's more than that. Shadow pulls the trigger and babytises me. He drops the gun and picks me up.

Shadow: Here CtC.

**(Returns munching donut, notices Shadow) Wha? Oh, wait, nevermind. (finishes donut) CHARGE!**

**Charge: (pops head past curtain) Ja, oh machtige?\**

**(points to babytized Mikaela) You've got the experience, GET TO IT!**

**(after Charge leaves) Well, I guess that's it for this update! Peace out, lulz and never forget…**

"_**Time…Line? (scoffs)Time is not made out of lines! It is made out of circles. That is why clocks are round."**_

_Michael J. Caboose._


End file.
